Codependency and Emotionally Unavailable Relationships Explained
By Maria Silva, MS, LMHC, NPT-C
This blog post is not a substitute for professional therapy or medical advice.
Reading it does not create a therapist-client relationship. For personal concerns or crises, contact a licensed professional or emergency services.
A painful question, and a brave one.
If you’ve ever found yourself emotionally attached to someone who treats you poorly, ignores your needs, or doesn’t show up for you, you may wonder, “Why do I stay? Why do I feel so attached to someone who doesn’t care?” The answer is not that you’re weak. It’s that something deeper is happening.
First Things First:
1. You Didn’t “Choose” Codependency. It Was Survival.
Codependency isn’t about being needy or desperate. It often develops when your nervous system learns that love equals instability, neglect, or emotional distance.
If you grew up having to:
Walk on eggshells
Earn love
Fix people’s emotions
Be “good enough” to avoid rejection
Your brain may have learned that love feels like anxiety, effort, and self-sacrifice.
A selfish partner doesn’t feel unfamiliar; he feels familiar.
2. You Confused Love with Trauma Bonding
When someone is emotionally unavailable but occasionally gives you just enough affection to keep you hoping, your brain creates a trauma bond.
This is what it looks like:
Highs and lows
Anxiety and relief
Chasing after crumbs of affection
Excusing hurtful behavior
(This is not love. it’s your nervous system stuck in survival mode, addicted to hope).
3. You Learned to Put Yourself Last
If you were taught, directly or indirectly, that your needs were “too much,” you may have learned to shrink yourself in relationships.
You may believe:
“If I’m more understanding, he’ll change.”
“If I’m more patient, he’ll care.”
“If I love him harder, he’ll love me back.”
But love was never meant to be earned this way.
4. You Felt Safer Over functioning Than Being Alone
Being with someone emotionally unavailable can feel safer than being alone. even when it hurts.
Why?
Because loneliness can trigger old wounds of abandonment, rejection, or worthlessness. Staying in a painful relationship sometimes feels less scary than facing those wounds.
That doesn’t make you foolish. It makes you human.
5. You See Potential Instead of Reality
Many codependent relationships survive on potential.
You don’t fall in love with who he is — you fall in love with:
Who he could be
Who he was in the beginning
The version of him you keep trying to rescue
But potential doesn’t build relationships. Consistency does.
6. You Became Emotionally Addicted to Hoping
Hope can feel like oxygen.
Every breadcrumb of affection gives your brain a dopamine hit. The waiting, longing, and chasing become your normal.
This is not love — it’s emotional survival.
7. You Are Not Crazy, Weak, or Desperate
You are not broken.
You were responding to pain the best way you knew how.
Codependency isn’t about loving too much.
It’s about loving without safety, reciprocity, or self-protection.
8. How Healing Begins
Healing doesn’t start by blaming yourself. It starts by gently asking different questions:
“What did I learn about love growing up?”
“When did I learn that I have to earn love?”
“Why does this dynamic feel familiar to me?”
And most importantly:
“What would it look like to choose myself, even when it feels scary?”
9. Faith-Based Reflection
God never designed love to be painful, one-sided, or humiliating. You were created to be cherished, seen, protected, and honored. Love that destroys your peace is not love that reflects God’s heart for you.
Final Thoughts
You did not become codependent because you are weak.
You became codependent because you were trying to survive emotionally.
But you don’t have to live in survival forever.
You get to choose healing.
You get to choose boundaries.
You get to choose love that feels safe.
And you don’t need to chase someone who isn’t choosing you.